these syn theses

Budovideos' Rolled Up Episode - BJJ on Guam

2012-02-08T22:48:00.000-08:00

Rolled Up - Special Guam Edition

So proud. So very, very proud. :)

Honestly....

2012-02-08T09:58:00.001-08:00

I'm a Christian, but I'm not a stupid one.

So I'm not going to refute my faith, more like question it, challenge it, seek out answers, and make it stronger. The only things a closed mind breeds are hate, ignorance, and fear.

A Sunny Monday!

2012-02-06T13:39:00.000-08:00

I am feeling like a winner. And I don't know why. Sun out? Good friends? Events to look forward to? Hobbies that enrich and challenge? Positive energy? Good books to read? Feeling appreciated? Ignoring B.S.? Definitely all of the above. Essentially, just happy.

Mr. Rodolfo Vieira, a total winner.

Sunday

2012-01-29T16:26:00.001-08:00

It's OK to be lazy.

word play: blob.

2012-01-22T18:51:00.000-08:00

blob. blobtastic. blobbo. bloblo. blob lowe. blobage. blobophobia. blobophile. blobanoid. blobphoric. blobiffic. blobiferous. blobnormous. blobeddlygook. blobapalooza. blobawhat? blobawho? blobiful. blobb. blobby. blobber. blobbier. blobbiest. blobbiestest. blobbiestestestest. blobiesta. blobloblobloblobloblob. blobbish. blobbic. blobsome. blobette. blobantic. blobliography. bloblabus. bloboric. blobarian. bloble. blobble. blobblehead. blobbed. blobnormous. ¡blobiosa!

This was bloblarious.

Snowpocalypse 2012

2012-01-21T18:27:00.000-08:00

Silly name. But that's what they called it. It lasted for about a week. I hope it ended there.

I got a two-legged winged visitor on my balcony one morning.
Must have been checking out the poor plant I've named "Survivor."

2012-01-21T18:15:00.000-08:00

Wisdom? Patience.

Kindness? Patience.

Knowledge? Patience.

Love? Patience.

Here I am, grumbling while cleaning about all the crap I have and then I read this post about an elderly homeless man on Guam: http://mariesayson.tumblr.com/post/16208291453/good-day-guam-as-ive-promised-i-am-writing-the

Well, this really puts things in perspective. Thankful I'm able to afford a roof over my head and can afford junk, not thankful for my poor organizational and rich cluttering skills. Ugh, I do not want to be a packrat or a slob.

SOPA Strike - Happening Now

2012-01-18T01:36:00.000-08:00

I'm not big enough to go dark, but I am small enough to share the information:

http://sopastrike.com/

According to Wikipedia, one of the major sites in protest of this so-called Stop Online Piracy Act:

The Stop Online Piracy Act (SOPA), also known as House Bill 3261 or H.R. 3261, is a bill that was introduced in the United States House of Representatives on October 26, 2011, by House Judiciary Committee Chair Representative Lamar S. Smith (R-TX) and a bipartisan group of 12 initial co-sponsors. The bill, if made law, would expand the ability of U.S. law enforcement and copyright holders to fight online trafficking in copyrighted intellectual property and counterfeit goods.[2] Presented to the House Judiciary Committee, it builds on the similar PRO-IP Act of 2008 and the corresponding Senate bill, the PROTECT IP Act.[3]

The originally proposed bill would allow the U.S. Department of Justice, as well as copyright holders, to seek court orders against websites accused of enabling or facilitating copyright infringement. Depending on who makes the request, the court order could include barring online advertising networks and payment facilitators from doing business with the allegedly infringing website, barring search engines from linking to such sites, and requiring Internet service providers to block access to such sites. The bill would make unauthorized streaming of copyrighted content a crime, with a maximum penalty of five years in prison for ten such infringements within six months. The bill also gives immunity to Internet services that voluntarily take action against websites dedicated to infringement, while making liable for damages any copyright holder who knowingly misrepresents that a website is dedicated to infringement.[4]

Proponents of the bill say it protects the intellectual property market and corresponding industry, jobs and revenue, and is necessary to bolster enforcement of copyright laws, especially against foreign websites.[5] They cite examples such as Google's $500 million settlement with the Department of Justice for its role in a scheme to target U.S. consumers with ads to illegally import prescription drugs from Canadian pharmacies.[6]

Opponents say that it violates the First Amendment,[7] is Internet censorship,[8] will cripple the Internet,[9] and will threaten whistle-blowing and other free speech actions.[7][10] Opponents have initiated a number of protest actions, including petition drives, boycotts of companies that support the legislation, and planned service blackouts by English Wikipedia and major Internet companies scheduled to coincide with the next Congressional hearing on the matter.

The House Judiciary Committee held hearings on November 16 and December 15, 2011. The Committee was scheduled to continue debate in January 2012,[11] but on January 17 Chairman Smith said that "[d]ue to the Republican and Democratic retreats taking place over the next two weeks, markup of the Stop Online Piracy Act is expected to resume in February."[12]

For all the citations and to view the original Wiki: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stop_Online_Piracy_Act

Whoa score

2012-01-09T10:01:00.000-08:00

Here I am debating on which gym I should sign up with, if I should even sign up with any gym, and then I get an email about a great Groupon deal for $10 for 6 weeks of membership at a local gym--group classes included! Zumba, Body Sculpt, Pilates...weights. Two personal training sessions. Treadmill time. Ellipticals!

OMG totally affordable. I could do this.

Bought!

I just need to print out the voucher, get up off my azz, and do it.

Thank you 2012 New Year resolution marketing.

Cleaning now?

2012-01-09T00:31:00.000-08:00

It's past midnight and I've been de-cluttering and organizing things around the bathroom and bedroom since midnight.

Makes me wonder why I wasn't motivated to do this earlier...instead, I slept in, had tea, did minimal laundry, putzed around, and took a nap.

Eww. So lazy.

My cold's almost gone. My strength is returning. Hoping I can roll tomorrow! Or do a mixed phase class.

I am really wondering where there might be some cheap gym options out there. YMCA isn't as cheap as I had thought. $20 a month is cheap. Wondering....wondering...company discount...location...offerings...I really want to increase my cardio, short of jumping rope outside of work on my lunch breaks and not counting the Muay Thai workout. Hah

I don't trust my distaste for being active outdoors in the cold, gray weather to run consistently outside in it. But I want my cardio!!

Am I just thinking too much again from cabin fever?

Back to de-cluttering before bedtime.

Resolutions or reminders for 2012

2012-01-05T11:00:00.000-08:00

Enforce not letting any BS get to me. I'll most probably always notice it, but I'll just keep moving.
Never mind politics of any kind. Related to the first point.
Lose 10 lbs. the right way: Graze on the right foods, effectively work out by building lean muscle and increasing cardio. Debating whether I should sign up with a traditional gym, but am not sure if I have the time or money for this, what with commitments to two martial arts schools.
Take even better care of my loved ones. Saying "I love you" might initially be awkward, but if I feel it and I know it, then I should say it.
Keep grappling, swinging, kicking, and punching, yet rest and recover more. Stop getting colds from a run-down immune system rooted in exhaustion.
Regarding my love for the martial arts, always focus on the knowledge, fun, and camaraderie. Getting fixated on ranks, status, and levels will either frustrate me or make me feel unnecessarily prideful. Just train and the rest should follow, doesn't matter how quickly or slowly.
Clean my place regularly: I hate how the junk piles up.
Say no more often to events and to people. It's OK. If they don't get it, they don't get it. But I do. I get myself.
Try to get to bed at least by midnight on work nights.
Stand behind who I am, what I'm made of, and what I live for.

Happy 2012.

Ode to pathos

2011-12-08T11:26:00.000-08:00

The ghosts of my memory

Remembering

Childhood music seven years old
Borrowed from my older sister
Beautiful sadness I did not understand
But only felt

Caught on me
Made me think
Tugged at my sense of
universal understanding
Tucked away in the safe of
Foolproof memories

Memories in the form of melodies I've carried with me to this day

A sad song
the lyrics
Mood invoking
Thought provoking
Why the sadness
But it was beautiful
Hauntingly beautiful

Many years later
I still cherish
the melodies of old
As I sit and write
Write and sit
to think about
what may only come next

trying to prepare for anything
to protect myself from everything

One of those moments

2011-10-20T10:14:00.000-07:00

It's not quite the end of 2011, but...

I'm looking back to events of this year, seeing how interactions have transpired and paths have crossed, with results forming and an overall result a work in progress, and the people I've met and the connections that have formed. And the fulfillment I've been feeling.

And I am just so very thankful.

I'm also slowly but surely finding some peace with my beliefs and my Deity. To find this peace will enable me to find peace with others, and not just myself.

And I am just so very thankful.

Current challenge: Finding balance

Balance with projection, communication, lifestyle, hobbies, work home activities, letting it go and bringing it on, going with the flow or stopping it, friends family others, money success endeavors....love?

Yeah yeah yeah. Overrated. I'm still a skeptic.

New grappling blog to check out

2011-10-15T00:34:00.001-07:00

http://www.iheartbjj.com/

2011-10-14T23:28:00.000-07:00

Leaders exude calmness and wisdom, traits that others are drawn to.

SELF-DETERMINATION

2011-10-10T20:47:00.000-07:00

Instead of searching for a hero, I have found one in myself.

Tang!

2011-10-09T00:03:00.000-07:00

This is a pretty cool YouTube video on a Muay Thai fighting sensation (didn't catch his name). Check out those kicks. That form! Those counters, the evades.

Cool.

Always getting sick

2011-09-29T13:35:00.000-07:00

Home again from this blasted cold that I thought I killed a few days ago. #(%*&Q(%*&$%*Q this sucks. I don't have enough sick days left so I must tap into vacation leave.

What's even more lame is missing out on my after-work activities. But when I pushed myself to go on Tuesday night, I just made it somehow worse. Compound that with not being able to readily fall asleep. Stuffy nose, temperature not right, too warm, too cold, outside noise...gosh how fussy.

And I want to roll tonight, but I won't be fun for anyone: I'll make people sick, and as much as I'll have a good time (I always feel good when I move), I'll come home and the sick blahs will catch up to me.

Geez, this year has been the year of colds, tummy bugs, and severe allergies.

I don't usually complain about things, or at least show that I do, you know, light a candle versus cursing the darkness, but today I feel like it.

I hope I'm well enough to go to that open mic poetry slam thing tomorrow night. Looks cool.

Changes

2011-09-28T15:50:00.000-07:00

Yes, you're still at this blog. The content is still the same. The words are still mine, the pictures all here. But I decided to make it look different. It's easier to just click on a square. If you don't like that, then select a different layout.

It's pretty neat. But I don't always like seeing blank squares where images should be, so I'm inspired to add more photos...stock, most likely.

Paintbrush art for fun. Wonder what I could do with a Wacom!

P.S. That didn't last long. I like my old layout better.

So all that Satan sh*t was hokey

2011-09-28T00:48:00.000-07:00

I want to talk about heavy metal. I love it. I don't love all of it, but I enjoy enough of it to warrant affection for the genre. Partly why I love it is because for most of my childhood, I was taught that it was bad, Satanic, had hidden meanings, would rot your brain and motivate you to kill people or do immoral things. Maybe some metal, and maybe some morons would be moved by the fast beats and the melodramatic lyrics to do stupid things in the name of Satan and Heavy Metal. Not me. That's shit.
I like it because it's fast, energizing, and gets me strangely hyper-focused and driven to complete things. It's caffeine for my brain. It's also one more thing on the list to check off of perfectly safe things to expose myself to that Bible thumpers from my formative years told me were detrimental. I used to fear what I was told was such. Now, I see for myself, see if I can handle. And I can handle.

Check this one out:

Finally...

2011-09-24T22:19:00.000-07:00

got a haircut
sleeping more
installing that new Scrubbing Bubbles toilet cleaner thing
had a light bulb in the kitchen go out (which was weird, because I had a dream about light bulbs going out)
had a night with the girls, bonding over Vietnamese food, watching movies, baking cookies, drinking Amaretto Cokes, and eating ice cream
staying in tonight instead of going out! It's refreshing to catch up on the homestead

Was talking to a friend who recently moved stateside. She was telling me how she's glad to be out here because the jobs are better, but that she's afraid of feeling isolated since it's not like Guam. I know that feeling. That network of support is nice, who doesn't love it, but I told her that she will become stronger once she finds hobbies and activities that will encourage her personal growth and motivation, much like what martial arts has done for me. And that while she finds and commits to those hobbies, she will find friends who share the same passions and interests, as I have.

My gosh, I am so thankful for martial arts and more specifically, these days, for grappling. Hey, I know I'm not always at the schools every day: I have to balance grappling with cross-training in the other arts—my Kali has been neglected!, Yoga, and rest (I seem to get a quarterly cold—WTH), but every time I am rolling around, getting scared someone will choke me or get my arm or head in a triangle or kick me in the face by accident or just be this heavy weight on top of me while I work my brain trying to tell my body how to get out from under to gain some kind of advantage, I know that I am confronting my fear. Every time I get out on that floor and move on the ground, submission or not, I am getting stronger. Because I am no longer afraid.

I continually confront what once scared me. Sometimes, it still does: There will always be someone who is bigger, better, stronger, and not always willing to share knowledge—a tough love kind of grappler. But I still (with nervous apprehension) go for it. And that's fucking empowering.

Darce Choke

2011-09-22T11:35:00.000-07:00

So this is who that Darce guy is! Cool.

No, no, and no

2011-09-18T22:09:00.000-07:00

Now let's stop jumping to conclusions and suspecting things.

Watch and learn! Life will confirm.

Know and grow.

Very happy at this current state. It's always good to be with like minds.

The Universe is expanding, and we are all stars.

Yes. We are all stars.

Work schmork

2011-09-13T15:12:00.000-07:00

I'm going to be staying late at work tonight, which means no fun-time Jiujitsu for me. Oh well, I have to have money to pay for lessons, so it's an occasional sacrifice. Right?

Right. Changing my "this sucks" attitude and going with the flow.

Another Fokai quoter

2011-09-13T00:14:00.000-07:00

http://bjj4life.wordpress.com/2011/04/16/why-jiu-jitsu/

Nice find, nice post. I could not agree more.

On a side note, damn, am I tired. 14-mile hike: 7 uphill, 7 downhill, both challenging in their own way. Tubal Cain Mine in the Buckhorn Wildnerness. It took all day to do the whole thing: Ferry ride, driving time, lost time, getting there time, hiking time, going back time, ferry ride time, driving home time. I thank my hiking buddy for driving and coming up with this spur-of-the-moment weekend idea. It was fun to meet a Great Dane! Beautiful girl. The hike was pleasant: The sun wasn't directly overhead and we had mostly shade from the trees and a cooling effect from rushing streams of water trickling down from the altitude. We saw the entrance to a mine and would have gone in, but I forgot my flashlight. It was dark, the entrance was cool, and I suspect there is even more water inside. We attempted to find the site of the World War II bomber, but we did not have the right equipment to go up the higher incline, there was the challenge of going up there with the Great Dane, and so we had to balance our determination with sensibility. We can always come back another time, more prepared. However, we saw an old stove from...the 19th century, some old mining nails, and encountered fellow hikers, campers, and this lost guy from Texas who needed a ride uphill to his car (this was on our way post-hike downhill via car). And those damn horse flies! They are big, brown ugly MFs who will buzz around you, land, and bite. Bitches. Had a bunch of them fly around me...the repellent helped but did not completely deter them. My back hurts and I am just overall exhausted. I was a zombie at work, sitting down also hurt. No clue why I am even up right now blogging. Catharsis?

I am going to bed now. Good night. Tuesday night Jiujitsu and Muay Thai (or Panantukan) tomorrow! Yesss...

Knocking out in seconds.

"Exhaust the body, proceed the mind, cultivate the spirit."

2011-09-09T00:10:00.000-07:00

Yeah, when I get more stamina!!

Grappling with a bunch of big or wrestling-oriented guys and a few tough women (statistically speaking) has got me thinking that I need to be even less tired.

I took my second wrestling class today. Ever. I learned the concept of pummeling and a few takedowns here and there from seminars, CSW and mixed-phase classes, but this class was taught by a bona fide wrestler MMA fighter guy. So he was really keen on our form, posture, and speed. We did arm drags, level changing (when you move up and down in that wrestler stance) against the opponent, and setups for the takedown. (The wrestling instructor called it going for the double. Short for double-leg takedown.) You can tell by the way he moved that he does this all the time. Two-second sprawls? D-d-d-dang. I wasn't done getting up from my first sprawl and he's on to his second already.

My training partner was a nice young man who also does this regularly at school and is polite, and when I see that people are kind and well-intentioned, it's hard for me to want to knock them down. I really need to get this out of my head. I need to compartmentalize my behavior: Nice me versus Training me. Perhaps I am just getting used to the movements, though. I will give myself about 10 classes of this to see if my behavior is still the same because I always take things slow when I first learn. Like riding a bike...yeah, like riding a bike.

I told the wrestling instructor that I will be achy the next day. I can already tell: The upper left side of my back near my shoulder blade is sore. Impromptu Yoga after this.

And I can get aggressive when I roll, but when I want to learn when I roll, I will often pause or slow down to ask questions. But I think I need to be quiet sometimes. However, communicating is important. There will come the day when I will slither like a snake!

P.S. Non-grappling friends, I will blog more about other topics. Promise. It's just that I'm kind of hooked right now. And I'm not tapping anytime soon.

Love

2011-09-07T00:34:00.000-07:00

I freaking love Jiujitsu. This isn't a passing phase, I love it. Who knew?

My body did. Hah.

Osss...

And when I mean Jiujitsu, I really mean Brazilian Jiujitsu. I am open to learning traditional Jiujitsu, however. Then again, I'm open to learning American Wrestling, Judo, Aikido, Pencak Silat, and anything else regarding ground fighting.

from http://www.iloveheartshirts.com

What I missed...

2011-08-30T15:54:00.000-07:00

I was very exhausted from my 7-day physical activity challenge that I put upon myself, and as much as I thought I could roll last night, I was sleepwalking toward the middle of yesterday and a Zombie by the time I crawled upright in slow motion through the door.

I missed out!

2011-08-19T14:45:00.001-07:00

It's good to have a dream, so your ambition will follow.

I did it!

2011-08-12T23:10:00.000-07:00

Today, I walked in and signed the paperwork to take more grappling classes at a school specializing in Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu. This school is affiliated with the Gracies. The mixed martial arts school I currently go to offers classes based on the Machado style and CSW. Honestly, I just want to train, train, train and learn, learn, learn so I can be good, good, good. This desire to polish my technique has overcome me to the point where I had sought more and found it.

I'm very happy because this school is close to where I live, is very affordable despite my modest budget, has a good instructor who is passionate and technical and knowledgeable and encouraging about the art and is following his dream to have started this school, and also offers no gi and wrestling classes. Woo, a true grappling school all the way! I like how it's a new school, too, so there is still that family feel and people are all in it together, learning and growing and building.

Being a woman will not stop me, as it never has before. It's not girly? What an excuse. I am still feminine while learning this. I don't ever allow myself to be typecast. I have done what I will and do what I can.

Another new gi, this time a Gameness Feather kimono in lilac.
My instructor also gave me that GracieMag. :)

The unglamorous side of training wear maintenance.

I've been to this school twice upon invitation, and like what I'd learned and who I learned with. I go again officially as a student this-coming Monday. Osss!!

Epic.

2011-08-10T00:03:00.000-07:00

The world-famous fight in which Rickson Gracie won using the rear-naked chokehold.

Rickson Gracie vs Funaki Masakatsu

"Girlying" it up

2011-08-06T23:59:00.000-07:00

I was looking around online for a nice new pair of boxing gloves and found these:

KimuraWear training gloves

What a beauty. Haven't seen a pair of gloves like these before, and they aren't in-your-face pink, which I like. Yeah! Real leather, too.

My current pair of boxing gloves are very lightweight but are flimsy (Adidas Coolmax trainers) and aren't closed-thumb. They each have an elastic band around the wrist that you slip your hands through, so they are crap in terms of wrist support. But they're fine for light training. Not safe enough, though, for when I want to hit hard. I'd been fond of my very first pair of gloves (Ringside leather trainers), but they started smelling pretty damn bad and a wash in Woolite with an air dry did not help the situation. I will, sadly, have to throw them out. :(

I also got a couple of UnderArmour rash guards, a pair of women's fight shorts, Muay Thai shorts (I hope they fit and aren't crotchety lol), and some other stuff. I'm trying to feminize my martial arts wardrobe and gear, switching out the blacks for whites and the reds for purples and pinks. Heh. Getting tired of the same old stuff. You know, make training more fun, since I do it all the time.

Some people ask why I'm so into martial arts: Why the boxing? The kicking? Grappling? Stick fighting? Where am I going with it?

As a kid, I'd always been into sports. I played volleyball, soccer, and some basketball in junior high and high school. But I got older and lost interest in regular sports. Then came college, and I got into running, bicycling, and going to the gym. Got older and got into Yoga and Pilates, then martial arts, then Bikram Yoga, now Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu and the striking (JKD, Muay Thai, Panantukan, boxing, Kali) and disarming arts (Kali).

I train for many reasons—none of them are to fight. I train for self-discovery, self-defense, empowerment, confidence, discipline, character, camaraderie, knowledge, and to receive the best workout ever.

Martial arts isn't just a physical endeavor, it involves the spirit and the mind. I harped on this in an earlier post. I love it. It's one of my passions, so I'm going to invest in it.

Can't wait to get my goodies in the mail! In the meantime, I'll keep training.

Fighter Girls Bad Girl Board Short

Monday's musing

2011-08-01T09:54:00.001-07:00

If all traces of colonial influence were to be removed, then what language(s) would be left spoken?

Shoyoroll Guam boys: Make yo mama proud

2011-07-25T16:43:00.000-07:00

671! Osss...

Training: Treading through the sacred depths of knowledge

2011-07-23T22:25:00.000-07:00

I train to learn
I learn to know
I know to be empowered
Empowered to give

To be a giver, I must be strong

Perceptive, courageous, resolute,
Loyal, committed, fluid, ecstatic,

I cannot hide this laughter
Love for knowledge

The seed has sprouted but
time must germinate it, enable it to mature and grow
To develop a strong foundation of
Firmly entrenched roots
So the tree will not wither nor break and will
withstand challengers of weather, noise, distraction, outside forces, and prey

Be patient with me:
I will bear you good fruit.

In acquiring knowledge,
I do not just mimic. Nor do I process information to cram and regurgitate.
I respect knowledge. Knowledge is Power.
It must fill my entire being and enter into realms of spirit, body, and mind.
This does not happen at once.

To form fluidity from the integration of these parts takes time.

Like water, like air, like fire, this energy cannot be created nor destroyed:

Only recreated. Redirected. Resurrected.
But never destroyed.

Be patient with me:
I am bearing good fruit.

...

2011-07-14T13:36:00.000-07:00

I see your face, and my heart smiles.

It's like you can cut past my guards and walls without even trying.
It comes naturally.

This cat senses something familiar.

Happy diversion

2011-07-07T15:46:00.000-07:00

&amp;amp;lt;br&amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;lt;br&amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;lt;br&amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;lt;br&amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;lt;br&amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;lt;br&amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;lt;br&amp;amp;gt;Because

Because I am on a proofreading marathon right now! And I need something positive to keep me going. This isn't Guam, but good enough, nai.

Independence Day thoughts. Sign the petition, if you agree.

2011-07-03T11:37:00.000-07:00

Been catching up on my current events this Sunday morning, watching coverage and reading articles on Jose Antonio Vargas, the DREAM Act, and in general the topic of revising U.S. immigration policy.

I agree that calling someone "Illegal" is dehumanizing. Literally, "illegal" means "not legal." This word fuels xenophobia, stereotyping, and an us versus them mentality. Therefore, I signed this online petition going around: Drop the I-Word.

The United States of America, my nation, was founded by a group of religious dissenters and developed by an amalgamation of immigrants from all over the world. I have not lost sight of this.

I'll break my adherence to grammatical rules in saying, They are Us.

Happy 4th of July. America, the Land of the Free and the Home of the Brave. America, the increasingly motley-colored nation founded and established by rebels. Stubborn, proud, successful, multicultural America.

I agree.

2011-06-30T01:21:00.001-07:00

http://rebelgrrrl.wordpress.com/2008/02/08/feminism-friday-views-of-a-rebel-grrrl/

And completely random but...

...I think my cold's going away. CSW tomorrow? Rounds class the next, and Saturday classes the day after? I think so! But I'll not get ahead of myself and focus on CSW.
...It's 1:23 a.m. :) Sequential numbering grants me a wish. It's a secret. I'll tell you if it comes true.
...I am only awake right now because I crashed when I got home. NyQuil Cold is kicking in.
...I am almost done with No-No Boy. Sad and insightful.
...my heart knows more than my mind cares to admit.

Adieu.

Reflection

2011-06-25T00:37:00.001-07:00

I see your soul, and it is beautiful.

Eh?

2011-06-19T06:48:00.000-07:00

Why the heck did I wake up so early? That one night of sleeping in has really thrown my schedule off. Oh well. This might mean waking up early for Monday, so I'm seeing this as a good thing.

Now, time to be productive!

And Happy Father's Day to all the fathers, especially to my dad, who, frankly, KICKS ASS.

Good things come in 3s

2011-06-15T14:13:00.000-07:00

I saw this YouTube vid on Master Chai with Guro Dan narrating from Bob's school's FB page:

Then, completely unrelated, but there is this post on Cuteoverload.com about Tashirojima, or Cat Island:

"Where Every Day is Caturday"

Hello, Nya-Chan.

SUPER KAWAII!!! ≧^◡^≦

Aaaand, I am getting 3 free tickets to this Saturday's Rat City Roller Girls bout. Wooooooo. Weeeee!!! Takin' some badass mamacitas to cheer on Grave Danger and Derby Liberation Front!!

Admiring this adolescent feminist

2011-06-04T22:36:00.000-07:00

Meridian is cool:

A Letter to Robert Smith

I find her insights honest and striving. Best wishes from the Internet!

“One often meets his destiny on the road he takes to avoid it.”

2011-05-31T17:00:00.000-07:00

I spent most of the weekend with my family on the other side of the water. We watched Kung Fu Panda 2. It was very good. I had not watched its predecessor, so my niece filled me in on what to expect.

It was a great film. I'm not going to say too much about it, but it was neat martial arts stuff with great morals and wisdom in it. Something about not letting the past hold you back, go forward, anyway. And finding your roots and respecting where you came from... Oh hell yeah, I agree!

So when we got home, I was told repeatedly by my Superstar to watch Kung Fu Panda, so I can know completely what it was all about. Po the big panda is an underdog anti-hero: I love that. That "Who me? I'm great? I am! I am great!" unassuming humility is so refreshing.

5 Critical Life Lessons You Can Learn From Kung Fu Panda

I love grappling

2011-05-29T00:39:00.000-07:00

My school, in conjunction with a sister school dedicated to the grappling arts, hosted two seminars with Rigan Machado—gi and no-gi. I took the gi.

Mr. Machado is a very knowledgeable and tough guy. He reminds me of a don: Strong, stately, with a stern expression and watchful eyes. He exudes calm confidence, but I also sense kindness. He taught 6 drills. Each side ("grupo A, grupo B") was given a chance to rep them, then after a drill was taught, we ran circles around the mat till he said, "Drop!" This was when we had to drop and roll with whomever we could. It was pretty cool. Afterward, we all had to take a test in front of him demonstrating the 6 drills. Had no idea there was gonna be a test. If I had my way, I'd have bowed out from taking it, but that would have been disrespectful to Mr. Machado, so I went through with it. My gosh, that was nerve-wracking. However, I was fortunate to pair up at the last-minute with a nice blue belt who helped me through the techniques when it was my turn to demo (my original partner had to leave—he was gassing out bad). Although I have not reached a level of proficiency where I can clearly explain what we did, I did manage to do them all. Sweeps and rolls, triangles, an arm lock called a wizard, a counter lock...rocking chair, cradle, sweep, frame, sleeve pull, jacket pull, lapel hold, back mount, overhand, underhook, side control...

Mr. Machado in Seattle, May 28, 2011.

At the end of the seminar, I shook Mr. Machado's hand and thanked him for a great seminar. He called me "The Lady," and he told me that I did a really great job. I found such feedback thoughtful and encouraging.

I don't think I'm a terrible grappler at all, I just need to train more. I seek to train to the point where I become familiar with grappling terms, and the moves become second nature. :) I know I've got potential. I love the roll. This seminar only motivates me to keep training!

Onegaishimasu. ...Ossss!

Oh, another thing is a link from grappling blogger Megan on male-female respect while on the mat:

http://bjiujitsu.blogspot.com/2010/12/sexual-joking-on-mats-and-my-problem.html

I really hate it when, on that rare occasion, someone makes some sexual joke about grappling. I have, so far, only encountered it twice, with each time being hell to pay for the idiot who said it. ;) I take no ignorant shit. When someone is being disrespectful or patronizing, then it's OK to school.

Bee vs. Spider: So cool!

2011-05-26T23:53:00.000-07:00

&amp;amp;amp;lt;p&amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;br&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;br&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;br&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;br&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;kajh&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;/p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;lt;/p&amp;amp;amp;gt;

I like both bees and spiders. But the spider is so agile, reminds me of a grappling attack for the take down. Shoot wrestling and what have you.

If we had giant spiders roaming this Earth, I can only imagine what kind of havoc they would wreak.

It would be interesting and devastating if technology in weaponry robotics and military transport could contrive a spider machine with a vehicle operator or two to command it, complete with limb articulation, missiles, artillery round fire, chemical warfare spray, and multiple scope vision. It can happen: The helicopter was based on the movements of the hummingbird.

As a defense, the spider machine could dig a tunnel into the ground and evade the enemy, or shutter up like a turtle.

Zoolander, plastic surgery, and those inner qualities

2011-05-25T12:22:00.000-07:00

I'm pretty sure there's a lot more to life than being really, really good looking. And I plan on finding out what that is. --Derek Zoolander

Tied in with a short piece I found sourced from CNN's website through Hyphen magazine:

Video: Asians Seek Surgery to Look 'Western'

I know of friends who've had the eyelid procedure. One girl got the procedure done as a high-school graduation gift. Reminds me of how some young girls here in the States are being gifted with boob jobs by their rich parents--know a girl who received such an endowment, with her divorced parents splitting the cost down the middle: each boob, each parent.

Hey, Man, it's their prerogative. But it's kind of sad to feel this pressure to be "beautiful" and "perfect." Tits get saggy. Faces get wrinkled. No matter how much surgery one gets, people will still know. And talk. And over time, the bodies and the faces just look like papier-mache.

For the artfully enhanced, I wonder how the dating scene goes. Guy with plastic surgery meets girl with plastic surgery. Guy WPS falls in love with girl WPS. And vice versa. Guy WPS and girl WPS marry. Guy WPS and girl WPS have children. Children are, from a superficial standpoint, ugly. Children undergo plastic surgery. Who looks like what now, and who's fooling who?

This is like a really bad science-fiction narrative, only it happens in real life. And there's culture behind it. The desire to be pretty driven by the influence of Western imperialism--as if having "small" Asian eyes is ugly. Not ugly at all.

I only wonder about my niece, when she grows up, of the pre-teen and adolescent struggle she may experience and her evolving notions of beauty. She's got those East Asian eyes, like her father's. I hope she doesn't grow up detesting them, wanting to make them appear larger and rounder with gobs of makeup. And if she does, well, that's a growing pain. I understand. I just hope the hatred doesn't stay. I want her to know that she is beautiful. Not only on the outside but on the inside.

It is so true about beauty being skin deep. Nothing worse than a goodlooking person being an asshole. Something in me, the slight from their arrogance, just kind of makes me want to school them.

There is so much more to a person than the looks. How about character, a good attitude, selflessness, patience, and humility? Nice, right?

So nice. So nice when it's encountered and is truly genuine.

Let that light shine through. Fakery gets sniffed out fast by the perceptive. Check ya self, homeys.

Orka Veer

2011-05-24T23:19:00.000-07:00

X told me of this link, where I can get all of Orka Veer's songs.

Wow.

Here: http://orkaveer.bandcamp.com/

This is music to a dream and to a meditation. Close my eyes and listen, then wander.

Badass!

2011-05-20T01:17:00.000-07:00

I can watch this video on military-style Kali training in Germany over and over again.

Actually, I have watched this video on military-style Kali training in Germany over and over again.

Like one of the little green alien guys in Toy Story, I go "Ooooooooooooooooooooh..."

&amp;amp;amp;lt;p&amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;br&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;br&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;br&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;br&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;br&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;hgjhg&amp;amp;amp;lt;/p&amp;amp;amp;gt;

2011-05-12T11:04:00.000-07:00

"Nurture your mind with great thoughts; to believe in the heroic makes heroes."

--Benjamin Disraeli

I just wanna daaaaaance, I don't really caaaaaaare

2011-05-11T15:08:00.000-07:00

Puttin' on the blinders

2011-05-10T13:07:00.000-07:00

I have always been way too observant for my own good, noticing details when I'm supposed to only hone in on a few of them, so I've learned to put on mental blinders to help me focus on what I should.

So if I seem to be ignoring. I'm not. Just trying to stay focused, using that attention to detail to burn a hole into my game plan. ;)

So far, so good. So yeah!

Article on home living

2011-05-09T17:02:00.000-07:00

While researching my city's pollen count (I have allergies. They suck.), I found this great article on the weather.com website:

http://www.weather.com/activities/health/news/articles/AL3O8NZ4jyiVg_22Mar2011.html?%22= target=

This inspires me to clean smarter, not harder. Zap the damn germs. Use the HEPAA. Vacuum. Bleach. Be Zen at home.

Dead

2011-05-01T23:28:00.000-07:00

Today the President has spoken: Osama Bin Laden is dead. The U.S. Special Forces have killed him in Pakistan, said Obama.

Taking me back to where the elements meet.

2011-04-27T12:12:00.000-07:00

Brian Cruz - sample edit from jbarbs on Vimeo.

A quick edit here. Let me know how it is...

fOOTAGE BY Brian Cruz and John Barber

Edited By John Barber

Found this on the SYR Facebook page. So awesome. God bless the 671.

Like the song, too? It's by Phoenix. Title is "1901." Remixed by D.L.I.D.
Here it is: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zscgrDOwUPs&feature=related

Focusing on the inner voice

2011-04-27T11:56:00.000-07:00

Don't ever lose sight of who you are, where you've been, and where you come from, because these things are what keep you moving forward.

Slowly but surely, things are falling into place and coming full circle.

Wonderful. Beautiful. At last.

The Talking Universe (continued)

2011-04-25T10:36:00.000-07:00

The Universe spoke.

It told me to shut up and listen.

(More diplomatically, it told me to be still, so my spirit may listen.)

Learning attentiveness.

Namaste. Salaam.

the old blog

2011-04-20T23:23:00.000-07:00

I once had another blog which I publicized. It was called Simple Phase. It was written during a time when I wanted my life simplified, especially after going through some rather complex experiences...

I read a slew of entries. One of the best insights is this:

Sensitivity is not weakness.
Sensitivity, when best harnessed, produces compassion.
Combine sensitivity with knowledge and you get wisdom.

The ability to feel and to adequately express these feelings is healthy. Nourishing. Healing.

Those who deny their gift may become angry, defensive, cynical, bitter and judgmental.

It is hard to see the details when they are out of focus.

[11.05.2008]

from the archived: written on July 3, 2007

2011-04-20T22:43:00.000-07:00

When someone passes away ...
you mourn, are more reflective
making promises to somehow be better,
to do things in honor of the one who died

you think of all the good times and wished for more
then berate yourself for not having been patient sometimes
or seeing her out of guilt from the imminence of her death

but tell yourself you saw her for you loved her
she calmed you, made you kinder, made you want to speak
a difficult language for her
because you loved her

and i will always love her,
yet to see her again

i miss you so much, lola

—M.L.

wandering alien

2011-04-16T00:52:00.001-07:00

blame it on the black star, blame it on the falling sky, blame it on the satellite that beams me home...

Great Gracie BJJ public service announcement on women's self-defense

2011-04-10T11:42:00.000-07:00

I first saw this on the Fenom Kimonos page, but the video post with English translation is originally from the Megjitsu website. Aside from the great conditioning, this is one of the main reasons why I learn Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu.

http://www.megjitsu.com/gracie-jiu-jitsu-self-defence-for-women/

And to those who may say that these techniques would never work in a real-life attack: Take some classes for a year, and tell me what you say then.

Plus, who says never? I say, you never know.

2011-04-09T00:28:00.001-07:00

finished ender's game. that book rocked. buggers are kind of weird.

need to stop playing tetris battle. bad. time management. bad.

glad taxes completed very early. government shutdown? corporate "contributor." affirmative.

sleep. now.

OK.

Anachronistic

2011-04-04T00:38:00.000-07:00

Tonight, as I caught up on an endless pile of housework, I exposed myself to a fair share of KCTS 9, Seattle's PBS channel. I usually watch the nature shows, but this time, I had KCTS 9 on in the background. There was this documentary on the Civil War and a short piece on the Freedom Riders of the Civil Rights movement.

The Civil War, issues of slavery and segregation, and the Civil Rights movement. I grew up on Guam, where the majority of inhabitants are brown. If you're white, you're a minority. It's only when I moved to the mainland that I realized I was no longer in the main demographic group. Not that this really matters to me: I'm educated and aware, so shallow constructs built on race, class, and lineage bounce off me like foam pellets. I don't ever feel discriminated against. If anyone is ever rude, I just see it as "being rude," nothing more. Which is why the Civil Rights movement fascinates me. The Freedom Riders fascinate me. The polite Jim Crow segregationism in the South fascinates me. Because this is not anything I ever had to rise up against. My ancestors did not have to drink from a colored fountain, or eat at a separate part of a restaurant. They were in the Philippines, or Spain, or China, or India, or Malaysia, or wherever else my blood originates, doing whatever it is they were doing. However, I do believe that if I were a multi-generation Asian American, instead of a first-generation one, I would have heard stories from the elders of discrimination. Take, for example, Carlos Bulosan's classic America Is in the Heart. Bulosan and his kababayans were from the first wave of Filipino immigrants who settled in the Northwest, mostly as migrant farmers, and they encountered severe discrimination. It was terrible. His accounts of continual poverty, squalor, and violence are heartbreaking to read. Dog-eat-dog world type of stuff. And here I am, a child of educated immigrants who fulfilled both their American dreams on territorial soil through hard work, the product of an upper middle-class background, leading a fairly comfortable life because I have been provided with the tools and education needed for me to support myself with a viable profession.

Yes, I'm thankful. I'm thankful for the opportunities I've been given, thankful of the choices I've made, and the people I continue to surround myself with. Historically, however, I'm thankful that a small group of people gathered together as a unifying voice to speak out against legally sanctioned discrimination. I'm thankful that this small group grew into large numbers with a voice so loud and so clear they could no longer be ignored, and incidents of racial attacks could no longer be "isolated" and tolerated with the shoulder-shrugging excuse of "that's just the way things are." I'm thankful that these brave men and women were willing to put their existences on the line so that we can all have the same chances as everyone else.

I bet if I lived in the '60s, I would have been a protester. A civil rights marcher. A Freedom Rider. I've got that spirit in me: a don't-take-s***-from-anyone-balanced-with-a-fair-amount-of-sensibility-and-compassion kind of attitude.

SOC Prjct

2011-03-28T00:36:00.000-07:00

friendslove surprises $1 sushi capitol hill happy genki ne dragon cucumber tempura 1 wall is greens boots friends visit guam sd wow no way yay love shopping errands bed finally new shock of adhesives silly brain waves shoot forth overhand underhand overhook underhood jab parry kick take down sweep submit kick back knee awesome 3 hour seminar nephew two old years cute next time toilet paper sweet upsell salesman pillow mattress box spring frame pillow mattress box spring frame country of sleep american made spam thread no mental exertion thought resit resti resist oc correcting bacspacing correcting self don't think too much just go with the flow with the go with the flow with the go with the flow with the go with the flow with the go with the flow with the go with the flow with the go with the flow with the go tenacious d tenaacious tenacity stubborn devil angel persistent angel brilliant synpas sn synod syntax synagogue synapses firing multitude directionless direcitons all points n s e w compass latitude longitude matrix dot quicken mitc mi mitochondrial membrane carnitine transporrt transport fatty acid to mitochondria for direct memory flow brilliant who knew thought laughing sunshine dolphins are smrt too smart smart smar t s-m-a-r-t why you take the time to read dis what wut waaaat ano ba hahahaha underslept last checked 4435 445 445 a m sleeping stupid no fun stayed up talking stayed up love show show funny cmplex hah hair straightener what am i doing what am i saying i am saying nothing but am saying everything adios

Thanks for the insight...

2011-03-23T23:42:00.000-07:00

Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.

—Neil Gaiman

Happy St. Paddy's

2011-03-18T00:18:00.000-07:00

Popular thought has established today, March 17, as a drinking holiday. Wear green. Find leprechauns. Think about Irish things. But I found this beautiful post through a friend's post on FB, and it gives this holiday a makeover:

http://150knots.wordpress.com/2011/03/16/st-patricks-prayer/

Initially, I was just going to copy and paste the poem and credit the source, but after reading a few entries, I realized that this blog should be mentioned.

I haven't seen such thoughtful writing in a very long time. Most personal websites and journals I find are laden with celebrity pop culture, or are specialized on hobbies and interests. 150knots makes for good reading. It's refreshing content, that's for sure.

Happy St. Paddy's!

As an aside, and speaking of hobbies and interests, I spent today kicking out Muay Thai birthday rounds with fellow martial arts school members. It was fun. People were wearing green, and there was some Irish river dance music playing in the background. Haha. Afterward, we each got two "green velvet" cupcakes for doing this. Yay, I think I will do this next year. Afterward, I trained till late evening for an upcoming level test, as I have been for the past several days. I'm finding out through training the following thing about me:

- I don't train enough...and out of all the things I'm training for, I think about Kali: the tiger to tame among them, as it is the most difficult for me to pick up.

When training in Kali, with a good partner and alone, I find out how much I really like it. It's an amazing and logical art that is ever-challenging. First challenge is remembering the angles, next is how to properly execute them, next is setting a good rhythm, next is footwork, next is disarming, next is following through with some strikes of your own after the disarm. If it's not one thing, it's another, and there are so many things to work on at the same time. I encounter so many challenges while learning this art. The first challenge I had to overcome was the fear. In the beginning, put two rattan sticks in my hands and they turn into putty. Really. Brain farts. Idle hands. Really. Terrible. Embarrassing. Frustrating to both myself and my instructors or training partners. ...But, over time and with more practice, the confidence happens. The strength builds, the awkwardness diminishes, and the coordination develops. I no longer see it as a "dance choreography," I see it as a "play fight choreography," and the angles and follow-ups start making sense. I'm no longer going through the motions but am executing tasks: attack and defend. Attack and defend. Keep going. Think it through, practice, practice, talk it through, practice, practice, do it over again, and keep going.

Eventually, I will reach my destination.

Vapor

2011-03-13T21:54:00.000-07:00

Disappear. It's best this way. No one wins. No one loses. Because no one exists. And there was never ever a battle, there was never a fight, just that one in the mind. The one that lacked confrontation, and chose pride over love. Self-preservation over relationship. This message has been written in invisible ink. *Poof*

Signed,
Ninja

Earthquake, tsunami, explosion

2011-03-12T17:29:00.000-08:00

Scenes of destruction in aftermath of 8.9 earthquake in Japan

Terrible. Thoughts and prayers for the people of Japan.

Maru cat

2011-03-08T16:47:00.000-08:00

I love this cat: I Am Maru

Wow.

2011-03-03T11:03:00.000-08:00

I saw this on a friend's Facebook, shared on mine, and am sharing again. This is the kind of movement that I envision only doing in my mind, the kind achieved spent by hours of training. These guys show it.

I enjoy learning FMA (Filipino Martial Arts), not only for practical reasons, but for cultural reasons. This is the stuff my family never taught me, a segment of knowledge I ventured into on my own. And yes, a teeny bit for badass reasons. ;)

Zen

2011-03-02T12:45:00.000-08:00

Yucatán sky, photo credit: M. Llena 2011

The rhythm of the seasons.

A bluer than blue sky.

The clouds begin to move.

A bluer than blue sky.

Coexistence with the sky.

The rhythm of the seasons.

A bluer than blue sky.

The clouds begin to move.

--found on some Japanese stationery

Learning to be.

Keep sight

2011-02-28T14:53:00.000-08:00

"Show Me"

I realize as I lay down to sleep
We haven't spoke in weeks
So many things that I'd like to know
Come have a talk with me
I need a sign, something I can see
Why all the mystery?
I try not to fall for make believe
But what is reality?
Where do we go?
What do we know?
Life has to have a meaning
Show me the light
Show me the way
Show that you're listening

Show me that you love me
Show me that you walk with me
Hopefully, just above me
Heaven's watching over me

Guess it's funny how I say thanks to you
For all you've given me
Sometimes, the price of what you gave to me
I can't stop questioning
Oh God of love, peace, and mercy
Why so much suffering?
I pray for the world, it gets worse to me
Wonder if you're listening
When people go
Why do they go?
Why don't you choose me?
But someday I know
I'm gonna go
I hope you're waiting for me

Show me that you love me
Show me that you walk with me
Hopefully, just above me
Heaven's watching over me

Maybe we'll talk
Some other night
Right now I'll take it easy
Won't spend my time
Waiting to die
Enjoy the life I'm living

Show me that you love me
Show me that you walk with me
Hopefully, just above me
Heaven's watching over me

--John Legend

This is a beautiful song, both in lyrics and melody; soulful and moving.

I was talking to a friend last night, and started on the topic of charity. As I told him, I came to understand that charity doesn't just happen when you work at a soup kitchen, or volunteer at a woman's shelter. Charity can happen all the time. It happens by being good to people: Being patient with strangers. Smiling for the sake of smiling. Maybe letting someone with fewer items go before you in line. Being mindful of your actions and your surroundings. Living responsibly.

I'm not discouraging doing official volunteer work, but general kindness is a start.

The Talking Universe

2011-02-21T23:40:00.000-08:00

Apparently, she speaks all the time. We just have to hear her.

Ryōzen Kannon overlooks the Graves for Unknown Soldiers, Kyoto, Japan. Photo credit: M. Llena 2004

And in the end, thank God for the reality.

These days, I've been opening my heart more. I have been less on guard and more aware of those around me. From this awareness, I feel a greater connection with my fellow human beings: Less cynical and more understanding, yet constantly remaining serpent-wise and dove-gentle. How else can I be?

I notice how others remain guarded, uninterested, selfish, unaware of the effect they have on others. This used to bother me personally, but now I just take note. This is also how I used to be, and I am apologetic to those unnamed whom I have affected negatively. I hope I may be forgiven. Regardless, I move on.

The ugly side can die. It takes too much negative energy, and is a real life sucker. Let Peace and Happiness live.

Quick, before I forget!

2011-02-07T17:00:00.000-08:00

Mamihlapinatapai--

is a word from the Yaghan language of Tierra del Fuego, listed in The Guinness Book of World Records as the "most succinct word," and is considered one of the hardest words to translate.^[1] It describes "a look shared by two people with each wishing that the other will initiate something that they both desire but which neither one wants to start."

It is described in Rock, Paper, Scissors: Game Theory in Everyday Life, by Len Fisher (p76), when describing the Volunteer's dilemma.

I saw this word while browsing the Internet, and I can use examples of when this happens many times:

1. in martial arts class, when I want to train with someone but am hesitant because I'm not sure if they would also like to train with me, and they may feel that same hesitation, so we are glancing at each other and looking away, taking a glance again to reconfirm or not;

2. after a date, and there is awkwardness, and neither one is sure what the other is thinking, and gauging to see if someone should initiate the follow-up;

3. sharing food with friends, and there is the last piece on the plate. It's impolite not to offer, so you offer the piece of food, although you want it for yourself...but can see that the other person wants it.

Haha.

Words are art!

T-shirt collection: Like at first sight

2011-01-31T00:21:00.000-08:00

I was browsing images of Che Guevara when I came across this:

Che Goodie tee

Awesome: the expression of resolve on her face, that she may be Latina or another woman of color, the revolutionary colors, the star on her helmet, and the fact that it's a spin-off design of the epic Che image that has inspired the sales of millions of T-shirts with his likeness around the world (to the point of ad nauseam due to poseurs who have no idea who he was, what he did, and what he stood for—but well...that's pop culture for ya).

I knew right then and there that I had to have it!

My first website: www.bruisedboutique.com. Alas, at $10 for a $22 T-shirt, shipping was exorbitant, and I knew I could get this T-shirt elsewhere.

My second website: www.etsy.com. But they ran out of my size.

My third website: www.sincityskates.com. The tee costs only $20 and shipping a decent $7. No sales tax, either. So I placed my order. This should get to me in a week.

While browsing the sites, I inadvertently familiarized myself further with roller derby culture. I'm no derby girl, but I admire and support the movement. It mixes feminism, femininity, and athleticism into a tough, full-contact sport. It's got a style of its own, inspired by the bawdy and burlesque: rufflebutts, Derby Skinz, striped socks, tattoo designs, and starred helmet "panties." There's this sisterhood going on, and many of these teams race for charity. If I knew how to skate and wasn't afraid of getting bruised and injured on a regular basis, I could be a derby girl. I've got it in me: I'm sturdy, athletic, and resilient. I don't give up, and I do bounce back. But it's not my sport. I'll watch and cheer in the sidelines. All is well.

But God bless this t-shirt. Ain't it lovely? Che Goodie. I wonder if she's a real Roller Girl. (Correction: Thanks to Toni's comment, she is a real roller girl who plays for Seattle's very own Rat City Roller Girls' team Derby Liberation Front—aww yeah!)

Honorable mention website: www.sourpussclothing.com for their very cool stuff. I will shop here in the future. ;)

Lola (1925-2007)

2011-01-25T15:24:00.000-08:00

She was classy and beautiful
Kind as she was wise
Devout and faithful, longsuffering
Saintly, sweet, and caring.

Critical at times
But only because she can be
The matriarch deserves the right to
Admonish:

100% respect.

Had beautiful penmanship
Recognizable like her face.

Her smile illuminated her eyes.
Her eyes were stronger than her mouth
When she smiled
You could see it in her eyes.

That's how beautiful she was.

She wed at 19,
and raised 14 children.
She loved 1 man,
and survived 1 war.
She had plenty of grandchildren,
and lived to see 1 great grandchild
She outlived 1child and
1 husband.
She lived on 2 islands.

On July 3, 2007, she passed away
Peacefully in her sleep:

The best way to go is
The best way to say goodbye.

When I am pensive,
I think of her.

When I want to learn how to love better,
I think of her.

When I want to be more generous,
I think of her.

When I want to understand the virtues of faith,
I think of her.

When I aspire to be kind to people, to forgive,
and give that benefit of the doubt,
I think of her.

God, I miss her.

Pobrecito

2011-01-23T23:26:00.000-08:00

I am the son
and the heir
of a shyness that is criminally vulgar
I am the son and heir
of nothing in particular

You shut your mouth
how can you say
I go about things the wrong way
I am human and I need to be loved
just like everybody else does

There's a club if you'd like to go
you could meet somebody who really loves you
so you go, and you stand on your own
and you leave on your own
and you go home, and you cry
and you want to die

When you say it's gonna happen "now"
well, when exactly do you mean?
see I've already waited too long
and all my hope is gone

You shut your mouth
how can you say
I go about things the wrong way
I am human and I need to be loved
just like everybody else does

—Morrissey, Marr, the Smiths

The lyrics are so poignant. For the longest time, I just loved the sound of the song, especially the beginning and intro. It's got an opening that is easily identified, making it a classic. But I didn't know the lyrics and hadn't any idea it was about some guy who's anxious about being and feeling lonely having communication problems until some former co-workers and I had a discussion about it. It was late at night. We were waiting for the proof to finish printing so we could check the run and go home. We were talking about the song and its epic status. I asked them if they ever felt like "going home, crying and wanting to die." One guy said, "Sure." The other one said, "Yeah." And up until that point, I was laughing at that part because it sounded so melodramatic. It sounded so lonely. And pathetic. When art is too sad, it enters into the realm of the theatrical and isn't real to me. I'm not delusional. It's simply expressionism. I tend to see things detached because my reasoning most of the time takes over.

But many times, art reveals the truth in our hearts. What makes art so popular is when people can relate to it.

At any rate, I love this song and I find it revealing the lonely hearts of many. How soon is now? The ultimate left alone on a Friday night wallow in your own misery ode to thyself ballad. Awesome. The river has been flooded.

Update soon

2011-01-15T13:42:00.001-08:00

I've just been busy. But I've got so much to say. Will keep posted.

Before Lady Gaga, there was Björk

2010-12-29T23:34:00.000-08:00

And she writes so much better. She has this feminine creativity that speaks of love, maternal instincts, human nature, animism, and eccentricity. This song in particular is about the life cycle of a romantic relationship. I have truncated the lyrics, ending at the first stanza because I can relate to these words and in terms of the relationship, I haven't reached the end of her lyrics yet. I'm hoping that in my case, it will end differently. Possibly maybe.

None other.

Your flirt, it finds me out
Teases the crack in me
Smittens me with hope

Probably maybe, probably love

As much as I definitely enjoy solitude
I wouldn't mind perhaps
Spending little time with you
Sometimes,
Sometimes

Possibly maybe, probably love
Possibly maybe, probably love

—Björk

To see the rest of these lyrics: http://bjork.com/facts/lyrics/

Hope

2010-12-21T23:28:00.000-08:00

There's something about the beginning of affection that slowly awakens the spirit. That spirit is called Hope.

{It certainly helps that it's Christmas.}

I'd touch more on this but like all good things that are near and dear to me, I will keep plans under wraps until something blooms. The last time Hope awoke, harsh sunlight flooded the room and burned whatever was growing. Haha. It's all good now...from the cinders something else has risen. A little fire bird.

"Bloom," " Hope," "Spirit," "Touch"...the words I choose!

Earth back to me. Stop dreaming. It's another rainy Seattle night, and I'm feeling pleasantly wistful, even romantic. Not toward anyone, really, but just that feeling. That feeling of what could be and what may be. What will be or who knows what. When I am drawn to something, I want to know as much as I can about it. Like cats to catnip and bees to honey, I blame the full moon.

Today's Thought

2010-12-19T16:43:00.001-08:00

The best antidote for selfishness is to do something for someone else. —M.L.

Human Rights Day

2010-12-10T15:56:00.000-08:00

Dear Michelle,

Today is Human Rights Day.

On this day in 1948 the United Nations General Assembly endorsed the Universal Declaration of Human Rights and its conclusion that, "recognition of the inherent dignity and of the equal and inalienable rights of all members of the human family is the foundation of freedom, justice and peace in the world."

But today in Oslo, Nobel Peace Prize winner Liu Xiaobo's seat stood empty. He is in a Chinese jail. The Chinese government successfully pressured 15 nations to boycott the reception honoring his work for free speech and elections. The mission of Eleanor Roosevelt and countless others who worked tirelessly to make the Declaration a reality is not yet complete.

Let's remember what the Universal Declaration stands for and honor some of those dedicated individuals who have championed its principles.

Who and what inspires your commitment to human rights? Vote on your favorite quote below (or send us your own!), and share it with your friends in honor of Human Rights Day:

• "After experiencing a prolonged period of human rights disasters and a tortuous struggle and resistance, the awakening Chinese citizens are increasingly and more clearly recognizing that freedom, equality, and human rights are universal common values shared by all humankind . . ."

--From Charter 08, co-authored and signed by Liu Xiaobo

• "Where, after all, do universal human rights begin? In small places, close to home - so close and so small that they cannot be seen on any maps of the world..."

--Eleanor Roosevelt

• "The cost of liberty is less than the price of repression."

--W. E. B. Du Bois

• "True peace is not merely the absence of tension, it is the presence of justice."

--Martin Luther King, Jr.

• "Freedom is one of the deepest and noblest aspirations of the human spirit" --Ronald Reagan

• "Freedom means the supremacy of human rights everywhere."

–Franklin Delano Roosevelt

Thanks for helping build awareness—and for your ongoing support.

Sincerely,

Sharon Kelly McBride
Communications Director

If you really want to vote, here's the link: http://www.humanrightsfirst.org/vote-for-your-favorite-human-rights-quote/

Selfless

2010-11-30T23:59:00.000-08:00

Not thinking about me right now
Put this selfishness away

Use this energy for something good
to help someone, something, a cause greater

There are so many things greater
Surrounding energy is bigger than existence.
Each part of the sum makes the sum of these parts
A simple statement that seeks full circle
To wrap around my heart, to fill it out with depth
A substance, giving, aims to fulfill.

What is it to care?
The heart speaks for itself.

—M.L.

you're welcome

2010-11-26T17:12:00.000-08:00

*Note: I was upset with someone when I wrote this. Then I figured to tie in this emotion with my anti-commercial sentiment and retaliation against pressure to "simply" conform.

this is not a day of obligation
of gluttony, excess, and inventory items

this is not a day of competition
whose child is better, whose wife looks hotter
whose SUV is bigger
(fuck suburbia)

take this day back for the gratitude it honors
it's not a shrine to yourself and how well you can
baste a roast, flay a turkey, find the sales, cook a goat

we humans are so flawed sometimes
so quick to bow down to the golden calf
forgetting who made the idol: ourselves
with our hands, these products of man-made faculties
back to the day of gratitude
back to giving thanks
appreciate every day to
appreciate life itself.

—M.L.

this needs a credit: artist currently unknown

Can't sit still

2010-11-24T18:27:00.000-08:00

For this year's Thanksgiving, I've ended up having the whole week off. It's nice, but I get restless, especially with the winter weather. I'd love to go to my martial arts school, but I would not love to get stuck or have my wheels spin out from driving over some patch of black ice. It's stopped snowing, yet the streets are not completely clear, especially those little side ones.

Facebook can only entertain for so long. Instead, I've started baking. Yesterday, it was an unfrosted chocolate-chip pumpkin cake, and today, it was snickerdoodles. I had the best time making the snickerdoodles. It's like playing with Play-Doh.

Chocolate-chip pumpkin cake

Snickerdoodles in the prep stage

Rolled snickerdoodles, before baking

Snickerdoodles, after baking

Happy Thanksgiving, Everybody. Forget about the weight gain. We can always burn it off later, right?

winter wonderland

2010-11-22T23:40:00.000-08:00

(insert sarcastic tone)

People make fun of Seattle-ites for not knowing how to drive well in the snow, but think of all the hills we have! Those other places have got it mostly flat.

Regardless, this island girl doesn't like this weather so much. Snow's fun to play in, but not so good when you're trying to earn a living and need to go places.

My neighborhood doesn't look familiar with all the snow. I can't see the sidewalk or the street.

My car made these tracks. Tried going up a hill to make a doctor's appointment, but wheels kept spinning. Turned steering wheel to the left to change direction, shifted in reverse, backed up, then used momentum to go back down the hill and into my parking lot.

After that failed mission, I went for a walk, ending up at a small park with a swing set.

I turned the seat over to clear it of snow, then went swinging. It was fun.

Go Manny!!!

2010-11-13T23:30:00.000-08:00

And Pacquiao wins again, this time against Margarito, proving once more to be the best Pound for Pound boxer in the world.

Shadows and smoke, a joyful girl

2010-11-07T23:59:00.000-08:00

"Joyful Girl"

I do it for the joy it brings because i'm a joyful girl
because the world owes me nothing,
and we owe each other the world.
I do it because it's the least I can do,
I do it because I learned it from you.

I do it just because I want to,
because I want to

Everything I do is judged, and they mostly get it wrong
but oh well.
Because the bathroom mirror has not budged,
and the woman who lives there can tell the truth
from the stuff that they say.
And she looks me in the eye and says,
'Would you prefer the easy way?
No? Well OK then, don't cry.'

And I wonder if everything I do
I do instead of something I want to do more...
The question fills my head.
I know that there's no grand plan here,
this is just the way it goes
and when everything else seems unclear
I guess at least I know

I do it for the joy it brings...

Ani DiFranco (punctuation added by me)

It feels good to let go of toxic habits, sometimes, even toxic people. But the imprints are left on the heart; those don't go away so fast.

¿Qué será? Bahala na...because nothing is forever and in terms of contact, I don't believe in never.

it's 12:11 a.m.

2010-11-06T00:12:00.000-07:00

going down a slide through a tunnel racing through the rabbit hole flume hairpin turn fishtail flip plop down whoosh someplace else dark leaves fireflies water from a well cavernous comforting retrospect introspect deconstruction mind rest inertia from movement thought says bye it's calm and i'm at peace being nowhere near anybody

the drawer of dreams isn't bad at all. i am an embryo forming inside my mother once again. forming my thoughts to produce creation.

Random thoughts, updates

2010-11-04T13:25:00.000-07:00

Well helloooo Sunny Seattle Day #2! You will make my jump-roping session (also #2) enjoyable.

Happy that a friend of mine is now a student under the Gene Juarez Academy, where I usually get my haircuts. Not only am I on her 50% off VIP list, but she'll get to cut my hair! I will support her vision hehe.

I might adopt a cat! A new furry friend in my home. Of course, I am already wondering how to accommodate her when I go on vacations, but it's about time I get a cat. I am currently working out the details with her current family.

My grappling partner and I are going to attend a free Kali seminar this weekend. A former teacher at the martial arts school I go to is holding it for free at his school for those who attended the Bahala Na seminar a few weeks ago, and afterward, we plan to hit up Starbucks, Bakery Nouveau and Endolyne Joe's.

I found two more carpet beetle larvae last night on the carpet which I have contained in the salsa jar. I now have four carpet beetle larvae. My sister makes fun of me and calls them my pets, but no, they are being observed. I am, admittedly, growing fond of them inside the jar. Outside of the jar, they are pests. I'm thinking that once they become full-fledged beetles (which will take several months), I will release them outside. They're only pests when they're inside. Hopefully, they'll dwell on some tree bark then. Currently, they're eating a cheerio, a piece of cotton candy, fuzzy lint, and an old seaweed cracker.

Mariah Carey's "Always Be My Baby" is stuck in my head. Why, I do not know.

A friend of mine told me he dreamed that I beat up some guy "into a bloody pulp using JKD" while he was mocking us outside of some mall. How odd. He said afterward, I had a "crazy look" in my eyes. Again, how odd. All this martial arts stuff is for self-defense reasons, believe me. But this reminds me of a shouting match I had last year with this down-and-out guy downtown, who insulted me and my friend while we walked past him as he was asking for change. Using derogatory anti-female violence-fueled comments hurled at us, I threw some back. I wanted to kick his butt, but I didn't. Not that I would, but only if he first tried. I don't think he could use his legs, though, that's how angry and pathetic he was, anyhow.

Hm, now a positive anecdote. After I finish up something for the job, I will go jump rope. Again now.

Back to skippin'

2010-11-02T12:40:00.000-07:00

"How to Use a Jump Rope to Build Cardiovascular Endurance"

I've been noticing my gut while posing in a few pictures, so I'm going to have to start jumping rope again. Let me tell you, I don't like it. It's like long-distance running to me: equally discomforting. My heart beats faster, I start having to pace my breathing, I get sweaty, and my nose starts to run (I have a weird condition where this happens when I exercise). But just like long-distance running, it's also rewarding. It tones the legs, diminishes the gut, and strengthens the heart.

So this is why I will do it.

It's getting colder and this means staying indoors.

The holidays are here and this means eating more fun stuff.

My exercise routine at the martial arts school has been modified: I'm doing less Muay Thai and more grappling and weaponry. Muay Thai is a great conditioner. Jumping rope and boxing at open gym time should fill in for it.

I fear that staying indoors and holiday eating will result in a bigger me. Oh Lawdy forbid, I've been down that road and don't like it. I don't like breathing heavily. I don't like feeling uncomfortable from having rolls. I don't like having to break out the big jeans to accommodate a bigger me. I hate being extra chubby.

Oh hell no. I'm jumping rope. I don't care if I look scary buff. I'm doing it. Screw them buff chick haters.

Hehe.

Update at 2:15

I came. I saw. I jumped rope. I did some stretches, leg lifts, and lunges in between. I didn't jump non-stop for 3 minutes like some people. I did not do scissor jumps, double jumps, or fancy toe stepping. I tripped a few times and stopped when it got tiring. It's nothing glamorous. But I did it!

I think I can carry on every other day. This will be my Banish Office Worker Big Butt Syndrome routine! :D

...and can't you tell I feel better? Endorphins.

Before anyone gets a complex...

2010-10-29T16:28:00.000-07:00

Just think how bad celebrities have it! It's not worth comparing your looks to theirs, either. Many times, they pay for those looks.

Hollywood Stars Before and After Plastic Surgery

Now on to more substantial things. I'm going to break out my voter's guide booklet so I can vote and turn in my ballot tomorrow. Also, last week, there was a fundraising effort to help the Filipino-American community of Stockton, CA, save the Daguhoy Lodge in historic Little Manila. A group from the martial arts school rolled lumpia and marinaded adobo and made musubis and other things to help bring in some money for them. Along with the martial arts school holding a special screening of An Untold Triumph, we ended up raising close to $600, and it was just from that weekend! :D

I remember what GM Tony said: Do good and it'll come back to you.

I wholeheartedly agree.

lyrics scramble

2010-10-29T15:47:00.000-07:00

throughout the day, various lyrics pop into my head. today i will attempt to document them between the hours of now (8:32 a.m.) and the end of my schedule.

8:33

Super Nintendo, Sega Genesis. When I was dead broke, Man, I couldn't picture this.

8:55 (a recurring one from yesterday)

I got a new life, you could hardly recognize me: I'm so glad. How could a person like you bring me..? La la la la oooh oooh...I saw the signs, and it opened up my eyes, I saw the signs. Life is demanding, without understanding.